Content Warning: This resource includes references to grooming, abuse, sexual abuse and trauma.  Please read at your own pace and stop at any time if you feel uncomfortable. Support is available through Blue Knot (1300 657 380), Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) and 13 YARN (13 92 76). Your organisation may also offer support through its Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

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When some people think about grooming, they think about online grooming of children by an adult sitting in a basement, surrounded by computer screens.

That is certainly how some grooming takes place and we need to educate children and vulnerable adults about online safety.
 

But when it comes to the services we access for our children or adult loved ones, grooming can be much less obvious… 

Some of us feel pretty confident we’d recognise someone who was grooming, that we’d pick up on red flags if someone showed an unusual level of interest in a particular child or vulnerable adult or started going out of their way to ‘help’ them and their family or supporters.

We probably know that grooming often begins with trust and creating closeness – this can be through physical touch or building relationships where there is increasing intimacy. It often gradually moves toward isolating the victim to remove oversight and increase access for abuse or exploitation.  

But there are myths about grooming and believing them may create blind spots.
 

Below we try to address some of the misconceptions we’ve heard about grooming over the years. 

Myth 1: Grooming only targets children or the intended victim 

Grooming isn’t only about the target – whether that is a child or adult. Other people can also be groomed. 

Perpetrators may groom entire ecosystems around the victim—including parents or supporters, staff, organisations, and even whole communities. Perpetrators often work to gain trust and credibility in these circles, which makes it harder for people to identify and challenge the grooming behaviour. 

Myth 2: Grooming always leads to sexual abuse 

Not all sexual abuse is preceded by grooming, and not all grooming ends in sexual abuse.  

Perpetrators may groom victims for other reasons, sometimes to get access to personal information to enable exploitation, emotional manipulation or financial gain. Grooming is about building trust and control, not just sexual intent.
 

Myth 3: Grooming happens quickly 

Perpetrators often invest significant time in building trust with the victim and the people around them. Grooming often takes place over weeks, months, or even years.

Myth 4: Grooming is easy to spot 

People expect grooming to look sinister, but it can look like someone being caring or generous. Giving gifts, extra attention, or special privileges are effective grooming tactics because they seem positive if no one looks deeper. 

There is also no single “profile” of perpetrators or standard method of grooming. Some perpetrators will plan their approach methodically. Others act opportunistically, exploiting situations as they arise.  

Perpetrators often use charm or authority to manipulate people, including those who challenge them.
 

Myth 5: Grooming happens no matter what you do 

Grooming can thrive in environments where safeguards are weak. Perpetrators exploit poor supervision; a lack of awareness or vigilance; weak policies; and cultures where safeguarding isn’t prioritised.  

The environment sends a strong message – intentional or not – to potential perpetrators about whether anyone is paying attention, and whether they might get away with pushing the boundaries. Make sure your organisation’s message is intentional and strong.
 

Myth 6: Grooming stops after the abuse has occurred 

Grooming often continues even after the abuse has happened. Perpetrators often continue grooming behaviours, maintaining secrecy and control to keep the victim compliant and prevent disclosure.

To learn more –

If you’d like to read more about grooming and child sexual abuse, we recommend this research paper Grooming and child sexual abuse in institutional contexts. 

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